Epiphany.

I had an epiphany today.

I have spent a good deal of my adult life being busy. And thats ok, because I am quite good at time management, and on my best day I can walk down the street and chew gum at the same time, no problem.I raised a child on my own and worked and studied, simultaneously.I have decent organizational skills and robust good health. I consider myself fortunate.

But about 6 years ago I had a job that just sucked me dry. Not only was I expected to work harder than any person should have to, but the harder I worked, the less support I was given. I was, however, given all the responsibility, no authority whatsoever, I was underpaid and , often, outright bullied. Physically it took its toll- I have foot and ankle issues that will be-devil me to my grave. What I didn't realize was the psychological toll it had taken.

I had been there about 18 months when my son became ill, and I had to quit work all together to care for him. It's only in the last year (some 4 years later) that I have started working again, just casually and in a completely different field. And its been fine, not too stressful, going along at my own pace, gradually learning new skills and finding my way in a new career. Until this last month.

In order to get a particular qualification I need I have to do a whole crapload of work placement hours. This is basically working for free, as a student. But it requires full time work. I started my work placement about 3 weeks ago, and I found it really, really really stressful.
Not because of the work, but because all of a sudden I was having flashbacks to the last time I worked full time. The exhaustion, the fear, the helplessness, the bitter, black hearted resentfulness of knowing I was being taken seriously advantage of and not being able to do anything about it.

And this is where the epiphany came into it. I used to have a friend who said 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. I believe its from a self help book of some sort, but I always thought of that saying as distinctly hers. The thing is, if I respond to full time work the same way as I did the last time (i.e. with fear and anxiety and frantic activity), then I shall end up as resentful and broken as I became all those years ago. But if I take it easy, and don't rush, and remember that this is a completely different job in a different area, with different expectations.....then I feel better.
If I need to take a day off to take The Kid to a medical appointment, the world will not fall apart.
If I do not have the dishes done, the beds made, and dinner ready to go in the oven when I get back at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I can just wash the dishes I need and order pizza.
I dont have to be the best, the brightest, the funniest, the most charming. I can just do the best I can on any given day and go at my own pace.

So this is me, today, embracing my imperfections, doing what needs to be done, but doing it at my own pace. Not feeling panicky and resentful. Just going about my business.

And on another topic altogether, look at my pretty new shawl.



Details on my Rav page for anyone who is interested.

Yes, yes, I know.....

It's been a while, I know. For a long time I thought that all I wanted in the whole world was a little bloggie to call my own. Then, when I finally put one together, I kinda lost interest. Apparently I have the stick-to-it-iveness of a 2 year old.
But hey, I've been missing it a little. So I figured I'd say hi, and see if the love was re-ignited.

Topic number one for today is allergies. I haz dem. I never used to haz dem, but apparently something in my respiratory system broke about 6 months ago and now I am allergic to AIR!!! I spend a huge amount of time blowing my nose noisily. My gp did eventually find something that works for me, but, of course, it is horribly expensive and causes blocked Eustacian tubes (don't even ask- I lost the will to live over that one) if I use it too much. Plus, I am stubborn. Right now it is autumn here, and I am still snuffling. I vacuum regularly, I don't go near the cat (poor thing), I have cut out dairy products....and still I am snuffling!!!! It is pissing me off, and somehow I have it in my mind that if I don't give in to it amd start medicating myself to within an inch of my life, like I did during spring and summer, then it will all go away.
Thus far....not so much. So I snuffle.

Topic number two for today is the fact that my tolerance for this hick, backwoods suburb has reached an all time low. I announced to The Kid the other day that we are officially Getting Out Of Dodge. He was overjoyed. We both agreed that we are urban dwellers, rather than semi-rural dwellers. I just want to be somewhere where I can get a decent soy latte and wear a capelet and fingerless mitts without the neighbours coming onto their porches to point and stare and phone their relatives. I am sick of the bored, violent teenagers driving terrifyingly modified cars up and down my street. I am sick of the lack of art galleries and bookshops. I am sick of waiting for public transport that never arrives. I am sick of the racism, both blatant and implied. I was telling this to my GP the other day, and to my complete suprise she totally agreed with me. She said she put off buying a house for 7 extra years just so she could get something in a suburb that wasn't like this one. I will probably have to live in a kennel, but at least it will be a kennel that has a decent coffeeshop near by.

Topic number 3 for today (and the last, I think) is my yarn love. It's getting out of control. For ages I was the sort of knitter who only bought the yarn I was about to use, or needed for a particular project. Buying yarn I didn't have any immediate plans for just caused me too much stress- I felt it ticking away, just waiting for me to use it. But then something happened. I think I started loving yarn for yarns sake. Now I can't stop buying it. Don't misunderstand me, I don't feel guilty. I am just running out of space.
Thats my problem. it's not yarn, it's storage space.

Look at one of my most recent purchases.




It's a fingering weight sock yarn called Butternut Squash by Woolhunter. I really think it does look just like pumpkin blossoms, too. Haven't made anything with it yet. For now, it just sits on my coffee table looking pretty.

Soon, verra, verra soon.......

Rain, wattle blossom and sweater clips....

Typical Melbourne winter day.



Although, after the horrific summer we just survived, it's not like I'd complain about the rain. And, in any case, when it's not raining there is always the wattle blossom to admire.




It's lovely, isn't it? Like frothy sunshine. That particular wattle is called Coottamundra Wattle (Acacia baileyana). Believe it or not, in this part of the country it's considered an environmental weed because it seeds so easily. Still pretty though.

Anyhoo....I got a gorgeous little parcel in the mail today- my latest ebay acquisition. I haven't posted about jewelry for ages, so I thought I'd showcase my little collection of sweater clips.
Sweater clips were a 1950's thing- 2 clips joined by a chain were used to keep a cardigan carelessly, yet stylishly, flung over ones shoulders without slipping off. I remember my mother wearing them, althou sadly, I never inherited any of hers. They can be as plain or as gaudy as it pleased the wearer, and I rather like them.

Classy.




Flowery.




Fluffy (these are the ones I got today- they were advertised as being made with tufts of mink, but I have no way of knowing if thats true.)





Happy Wednesday!!

ps- predictable the stranded work socks did not go well, although it was more about my yarn choice than anything else. I think I may have my knitting/crocheting mojo back, so new projects soon.

I have a terrible cold.......

....and I'm being a complete baby about it. But really, it's a nasty one. Going through tissues at an alarming rate, sneezing attacks, can't taste anything (except chocolate or chilli- hey, at least thats one positive), and am subject to sudden nap attacks every hour or so. I feel like 8 different types of revolting, and feeling very sorry for myself indeed.

So, you'd think I would be getting a fair amount of knitting done, right? Well, sort of. After the unexpected triumph that was my Aestlight Shawl (Rav link) I decided to give my rather neglected Kingscot Cardigan some love. Sadly my ability to concentrate for more than 10 seconds has been compromised quite considerably. Usually I start at the beginning of a pattern and just work my way through as written. This time.....


I got half way up the back and decided that I didn't like the way I did the decreases after the ribbing. Messy. But I lack the constitutional fortitude to rip back and re- do right now. So I slung it on some scrap yarn to be dealt with later. Then I did the ribbing for both the fronts. Cos, hey, its just ribbing, right? Then I thought, well maybe I'll just give one of the fronts a red hot go, and 3 days later I am up to the armhole. Now I'm thinking about doing the other side up to the same point, but seeing as I'm only managing a row or two at a time before I need a nap....I give up. To my Kingscot Cardigan I say- I'll deal with you later!

So instead, I've been working on my Ten Stitch Blanket. Easy, mindless, soothing, and its now big enough that it keeps me warm while I'm doing it. Bonus!

This morning, however, as I was snuffling my way through today's first box of tissues, I came across this lovely pattern. And I'm thinking, this might be an excellent pattern to indulge my love of red and light blue together.

The red and white would be the main colours, with a stripe of pale blue up near the cuff.
Alternatively, I could go with this combo...

.....but on second thought I might burn someone's retinas.
I must be insane- I can barely remember where the bathroom is and I'm contemplating stranded work socks.

This wont end well.

Things.

Things that are making me displeased.

1. I have a stomachache. I don't know why. Really, no idea. Unless my slatternly housekeeping ways have finally come back to bite me.
2. I've made a decision about my son's education that his school is not going to be very pleased about. I've talked it over with quite a few people who are giving me very positive feedback, but the time has come to inform the people who will be slightly horrified. I am not looking forward to this.
3. I keep forgetting that some people are just downright crooks. I'm not so naive that there are any recepts for Nigerian bridges on my credit card, but when people are charming, friendly and agree to do what I ask them, I usually believe them. This is becoming a serious character flaw. I need to toughen up a bit, but I really resent the necessity to do so.
4. Friends are falling like flies from various accidents and injuries. I feel helpless when all I can do is hold their hands and make sympathetic noises.
5. Mainstream media treats the public like idiots. I really, really resent this. Not just on my behalf, but on everyone else's, too.
6. I hate doing laundry, and I am really behind. Every time I turn a corner in my house I trip over a pile of dirty clothes. You'd think this would spur me on to get it done, but noooooo...
   

Things that please me.

1. My son is delighted about the decisions I have made about his education. He thinks I've given in, but what he doesn't seem to realize is that I believe in his instincts. Teenagers are not always wrong when they want something. I think he deserves a chance to make his own life decisions. I love my son to the moon and back and I want him to be happy.
2. I made a new pair of fingerless mitts. I love fingerless mitts, but especially when they are made of Debbie Bliss Cashmerino . I get a little frisson of pleasure every time I pull them on.

They are a lovely simple little pattern, and they are sinfully soft and lush.
3. My latest ebay purchase.

Today I'm wearing it with navy blue.

4. Today could be the day that my parcel from Canada arrives. I've been saying that for weeks now, but statistically, it must be getting truer by the minute. Beautiful handyed sockyarn from my dear friend Jodi, and the new issue of Interweave Crochet. Sigh. Can't wait. My nose is pressed to the window in anticipation.
5. In honour of Mother's Day over the weekend I took myself yarn shopping. Oh yes. Photos another time, but suffice for now to say that I staggered in my front door laden with purchases. Then I sat and played with it whilst eating Roses chocolates. Bliss! Happy Mother's Day to me!!!

So, ok, these lists were a good idea. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, but really, there are some lovely things in my life at the moment. It's not all bad. Think I'll go knit a bit now and think about counting my blessings.

Autumn In Melbourne.

I went for a walk this morning and remembered to take my camera. Autumn in Melbourne is lovely- a slight chill, but often sunny (although it was actually quite dark and gloomy this morning). I got some rather strange looks from people as I walked round and round trees trying to get good shots. At least, I think it was because I was taking photos. It may have been the luminous orange and pink bag that I have become so fond of.
Anyways, this is what I saw......



And some foliage just starting to turn.





A warning about the dangers of surburbia...

Some natives plants in flower..

Banksia.

Eucalypt

Leucodendron

My favourite native plant, the Pincushion Hakea (Hakea laurina).

So then, because I was digging this photography lark so much, I had a little stroll around my garden. Not that much happening, but a few little treasures.
The salvia is starting to come back after being all crispy and sad looking for months.


The ubiquitous daisy.


A really pretty Ivy Geranium.


The ever faithful red geranium that sits by my front door.


And Chrysanthemums!! Just in time for Mother's Day!!!!!

The Best Laid Plans.....

Today the kid had an appointment at the Childrens Hospital. Nothing special- just his yearly neuropsych assessment. No invasive surgery, no vile medications, no prodding or poking- just a nice lady in a warm office asking him questions. We've been here before. It's not a big deal. Time consuming but not painful, is what I'm saying.

The downside is that we had to be up by 7am, and showered, dressed and out of the door by 8am, because its a long drive and an early appointment. So I get myself showered and partially dressed, drag an unwilling teenager out of bed and into the shower, and just as I'm standing in front of the closet trying to decide what to wear, my mobile goes. It's the lady from the hospital saying she has to cancel because she just got back from England yesterday and she's not feeling very well and she needs to go get tested for SWINE FLU!!!!

Even the Kid, who is not at an age where graciousness comes naturally, especially at 7.30am, admitted that this was an excellent excuse.

So, a day has appeared that was otherwise going to be filled with hanging around a children's hospital eating pastries and drinking coffee and wishing I was elsewhere. Hey- now I get to be elsewhere! It feels like a little holiday! I know, I know, my life is just one chaotic, exciting whirl (NOT).

So seeing as the Kid has now gone back to bed and wont be wanting the computer for a while, I thought put up a couple of photos of the use I put the chocolate brown yarn to (idea via auntpatt).



I like 'em!
I got the pattern here, and I admit, I have tried them before and failed miserably.

They got ripped and remade into something else. The difference this time was that
a) I used a single crochet foundation stitch rather than a chain to start them off- so much better. The interwebs is crawling with explanation, tutorials and videos of this technique. It is stretchy and neat and looks so much better. It may seem a little tricksy at first, but I urge you to persist. It's really worth it. (BTW, there was no good reason I didn't use this technique the first time I tried these mitts. Momentary madness probably)
b) Rather than a worsted weight yarn, I used a dk (8ply) weight.
c) Rather than a H hook (5mm) I used a G (4mm) hook.
Much better!

I might make the matching hat, now. Will post pics if its not too ugly.

ps- How scary is this swine flu thing? It hasn't got to Australia yet, as far as we know, but I'm getting a little nervous, especially as I am the proud owner of a child with a truckload of medical issues. Here's hoping it comes under some sort of control soon.

Things I Learnt This Week.

1. Adversity can sometimes be useful as a learning tool. I hate admitting that. I'd much rather stamp my feet and complain loudly rather than go all wise and Yoda-like. Doesn't change the fact that omelettes are made of broken eggs. I consider my character to have been significantly improved this week, what with all the challenges and suchlike.

2.If an iron lasts 20 years, it is not worth more than a shrug and a sigh when you drop it and break it.

3.If a rather expensive digital camera that is only 3 months old suddenly ceases to work for no apparent reason, this really is annoying.

4.I'm a better knitter than I thought I was, but I can't show you because my bloody camera is broken.

5. When making mini quiches, put a tray under the muffin tray, so that if you fill them too full and they overflow, you wont have a blackened mess on the bottom of your oven. Sigh.

So, y'know, not a bad week, all up. It wasn't easy, but no-one I love died, and I have quiche for dinner.
That'll do me.

Cheerful.

TGIF, peoples.
Dunno what time it is in your part of the world, but in mine it's Friday afternoon, and my week has finally finished. It was a tough week, too. Started out crappy, got considerably worse on Tuesday, then improved bit by bit until today was a positive triumph. Nothing bad happened, and a lot of loose ends got tidied. I do like a tidied end, too.

The kid has been dispatched to his father's house, and the weekend stretches before me in all its glory. There will be a good bit of knitting done. Also, some crocheting. Maybe a little therapeutic ebaying. I intend to fit in a nap or two. I finally got some gold coloured cotton so I can re-vamp that linen skirt that's been moldering in my sewing basket for months. If it rains, I shall go stand in it for a while. 'The Collectors' is finally back on the teev, and the rest of tonight is all about British crimies, so the phone's going off the hook and I am putting up my 'the dr is out' sign (Peanuts reference).

The excitement is killing me :-)

Fire.

I am sitting here feeling very lucky. Lucky that I still have a house and contents, lucky that I still have electricity, and lucky that no-one I know (so far) has died in the awful bushfires that ravaged my home state yesterday.

I live about an hour from where the Bunyip fire was (and still rages now). The conditions yesterday were horrific, beyond description. Not just 46 degrees Celsius (that's about 115 deg Farenheit) but gale force winds. The world just seemed to explode. Ten years of drought, along with last week's heat wave of over-40 deg temps for days on end.....it felt like the end of everything. And I say that having survived the Ash Wednesday Bushfires in 1983. I was smack in the middle of those fires, too, and equally lucky. Sadly, many friends and relatives were not so fortunate, then.

About 5pm yesterday the power went out. The winds went crazy, and the only thing I could hear over the seering, howling gale and the crash of trees braking apart, was the lunatic screech of sirens.

But I'm one of the lucky ones. By all accounts the township of Kinglake, on the edge of Melbourne, is all but gone. And I heard a little while ago that there is just one building left standing in Marysville. Victoria is being declared a disaster zone, and I heard that they are bringing in the armed forces to help the brave, but hopelessly overwhelmed emergency services. Even more terrible is knowing that so many of these fires were deliberately started. I heard a fireman on the radio this morning refer to them as 'lighters'. The name made me shudder a little. Somehow it seems more ominous than the official 'arsonist', or the jokey 'firebug'.

The death toll rises every hour. The last news bulletin put it at 30 and rising. People got caught in their cars, trying to get out. Every time I think of it my breath catches in my throat a little. The mortuaries are full and they are talking about bringing in refridgerated containers to house the dead.

I was a horticulturist for many years working in bush regeneration. I have no doubt that the land will come back. But how do people come back from this?

This is a dangerous land to live in.

It's calm here now. The wind has dropped, and the temperature is a comfortable 20 deg C. There's even been a little rain. There have also been some fearsome thunder and lightning, but hey, you can't have everything. I'm going outside for a little while. I need to go and pick up all the dead birds in my front yard and bury them.

Different types of helping.

A lot of people that I deal with on a daily basis are related to my son's medical care. Some of them are just 'clock-on, clock-off' kinda employees. Others really love their work, and will go out of their way to help you out.

I've had two of the latter this week- one of them has made me glow with gratitude and pleasure, the other has brought out a lack of graciousness that I never knew I had in me.

The good one went like this- one of my son's medical people rang me while I was grocery shopping on Monday morning. She had just realized that if I signed a particular form my son and I would be in line for a small remuneration on fees and things. All good, except there was no way I was going to be able to actually get to her for about a week (week from hell). So she says, wait right there, I'll come to you. So, in the middle of a work day, she leaves her office, negotiates the crowded carpark of a big hospital, and drives 20 minutes to meet me outside a supermarket so I can sign my name on something. Thereby getting me a financial bonus that I never even would have known about if she hadn't gone looking for me. Without me asking!
How sweet is that! Thankyou Rhiannon, you made my world just a little bit better.

The bad one is trickier. My son has a terrific physiotherapist. Lovely young guy, really smart and nice and utterly dedicated to his job. The Kid has progressed to a point where he does more work in an actual gym, than in a physio studio. So, at the moment, the physio is setting up a new program for him, and he told me that he wants me to take over supervision of it. I am willing, but not best pleased. I don't enjoy gyms. Especially the mixed ones. But hey- whatever is best for the Kid. I'll suck it up if I have to, is what I'm saying.
The thing is, he has started to pester me a bit about my participation in this. As in, 'you should come in your gym clothes, too, and do the exercises as well' and ' you know, if you do the same set after the Kid, that is the perfect amount of rest for him to have before he does his second set', and , my personal favourite, ' why don't you see if you can lift these weights comfortably?'

I'm not stupid. I understand the subtext here. He is trying to help, but what he is really saying is
Get off your lazy arse and do some exercise, you fat cow!

Its true, I could use a little exercise. But I resent being coerced like this. If he came to me and said "Gee, your butt is the size of a planet these days, don't you think the occasional jog round the block would be a good idea', I would probably slap him, but I'd agree and get to work on some serious regular cardio.
But this namby pamby 'trying-to-get-me-to-do-stuff-without-actually-saying-it' is pissing me off.
He's right, but he's still pissing me off.

Helpfulness- sometimes ya love it, sometimes ya don't.